What does an unaborted fetus know about the value of life?

More reader mail time!

This week's reader mail reads as follows:
As a fetus, what is your take on the recent Virginia Tech massacre? How do you feel about coming into a world where people are capable of such evil?

You know, there's something odd about a fetus that has yet to experience a day of life to give her opinions on life and death. And there's something equally silly about a lifeform that's incapable of recalling long-term memory to draw any sort of lesson from this.

At the most primate level, even as a fetus, I understand survival = good, and things that prevent my survival = bad. Ergo, killers (and The Killers) = bad.

But beyond that, I'm not sure if the facts of the case matter to me that much.

Okay, so my daddy is Asian, so for a moment, I was afraid I was going to pick up some crazed killer genes. But the thing is, there are literally billions of slanty eyed motherfuckers out there who manage to get through their lives without shooting the fuck out of university campuses, so I have to assume that the crazed killer genes are only carried by lonely Asian boys. Considering the circumstances behind my conception, which is to say, vaginal, I don't think the lonely part applies to my daddy. Yeah, he's capable of stupid crazy shit, but more stupid crazy like having unprotected intercourse.

If anything, maybe people will become afraid of young Asians like they're afraid of young black kids, so I might actually be safer.

Gun control? Well, you'd think multiple classmates and teachers reporting you for a fucking weirdos would set off some sort of alarm at the gun shop, but hey, that's America for you.

But I think the most important thing to remember about the massacre is that it's a freak incident. It takes a whole fucking lot for everything to come together. Most people simply don't reach that level of fucked-upness, and when they do, they usually lack the testicular fortitude, access to firearm and pop culture references to pull this shit through.

And forgive me for being callous, but based on the law of averages, the massacre just increased all our life expectancies by about a week, because shit like this only happens every few years. This is a one-in-a-million (if not more) incident, and we're now okay for another million. "But did you account for the possibility of a copycat crime, you stupid fucking fetus?", you might be asking. Sure I did, but since motherfuckers are going to be on the lookout for lonely Asian boys with huge arsenals and it'll be more likely that the police will take it super seriously when some fucknut English major writes Richard McBeef 2: The Electric Bugaloo, so the copycat factor is more than cancelled out.

So I'm not saying, hooray, massacre, but let's not act like the world's headed to hell in a Jimmy Choo. With advances in shit like medicine and nutrition and security, we're living longer and longer. If the price to pay for longer, healthier lives are freak occurrences like the one up in Blacksburg, that's a tradeoff I'm taking every time.