Rosie by any other name would still be fat and obnoxious

If there's one thing expecting parents get excited about, it's naming the baby, and my stupid ass parents are no exception. While my instinct is to shit on anything they take seriously, I think it's justified here. Think about it, they're going to be saying that name an awful lot, like every time I break something expensive or ruin dinner or urinate in the wrong place. Or 17 years now, when I rob a convenience store and crash my car into a parked police cruiser, some stupid ass name they thought was really cute is going to look pretty dumb on the front page of the paper. And when I'm screwing my 9th grade teacher, it would be pretty fucking hard to screm "Kal El" with a straight face, or the O-face, as the case may be.

My point is, the name matters, and I really hope my stupid parents get over their stupidness and pick a name that's not completely stupid-ass. So consider this an open letter to my DNA providers, a humble request that they dust off that little thing called wisdom they stashed away in the nightstand drawer with the 12-pack of condoms that they were apparently saving for a special occasion.

1. Don't think you're smarter than everyone else. Your "creative" name sucks balls.
   
   This is important. You know the aforementioned "Kal El" is going to catch some quality beatdowns in 7th grade. And seriously, "Brooklyn", "Romeo" and fucking "Cruz"?
   
   Which isn't to say unconventional names are all bad. I happen to think "Apple" is perfectly okay, I mean, as long as she doesn't marry someone whose last name is "Andorange" or "Computers" or "Martini". Oh wait, her name is Apple Martin. Poor girl.
   
   But the point is, don't think too hard. If you're saying shit like "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet", then you're probably not smart enough to think of a good name.


2. That said, don't pick a name that everyone else has.
   Especially the trendy ass names like "Madison", "Blake", and "Neveah" (seriously, what up the fuck?). Remember that Simpsons episode where Bart and Lisa got dropped down to third grade (I don't, because I wasn't even a fucking zygote yet)? They were taking attendance and it went something like "Morgan, Dakota, Ashley, Dakota, Taylor, Tyler, Lisa...". Well, I don't want to be a fucking Morgan, Dakota, Ashley, Taylor or a Tyler. Or Lisa, but only because that's an ugly ass name.
   
   Here's a rule of thumb - if the name you're thinking of is in the Top 10 list of baby names, then you should seriously reconsider, especially if the last name is also generic. You know how many Jacob Williamses and Emily Johnsons are going to be out there? Shit.
   


3. Speaking of last names, try to see how they sound together
   You should know that if your name is "Hunt", then you shouldn't name a kid "Michael". Similarly, you shouldn't name a kid "Richard" if your last name could also be a physical descriptor, like "Long", "Small" or "Bent". Try to sound it out, tell your more vulgar friends and see their reaction. Try to avoid names that rhyme.
   
   Initials are also important. It shouldn't take that much trouble to see if the initials spell out something like "ASS" or "DIK".
   
   And I can't stress the importance of syllable count. "Sarah Gellar"? Not so good - both names have two syllables. But stick "Michelle" in there to break it up, it's fucking perfect.


4. Give me name that can be taken seriously.
   
   "Tiffany" might be fine when you're throwing a Super Sweet Sixteen Slutfest for your spoiled little brat, but how do you think that looks on a resume for an executive position at a major investment firm? Cindy? Max? Sunshine? Cute is fine when you're still paying their bills. Names are fucking forever.
   



5. Don't give me a stripper name.
   
   This is probably the most important rule of all. By all means, avoid names like Destiny, Passion, Crystal and all its variations, Alexis, and pretty much anything named after spices, gemstones and flowers.
   
   Here's the thing - people have a tendency to live up to their names. Joey is going to act like a Joey, Jenny acts like a Jenny and Georges end up like you'd expect a George too. And if you give a girl a stripper name, she will grow up to be a stripper. And the worst part is, if I do end up growing up to be a stripper, it's going to be pretty fucking stupid when I have to take a stage name because "Brandi" with an "-i" was already taken by another dancer.

That shouldn't be too hard, should it? Just pick something simple, but not too common, and be careful of obvious shit like "Ben Dover". Though a part of me wants something like Laquisha so I can say shit like "Nigga please". Hook a fetus up.