Boys grow up to be quarterbacks, girls grow up to be figure skaters

This is a pretty fucking big week for me. Why? Because later this week, a doctor will poke inside mommy and see if I have a penis or a vagina. Or an incredibly elongated clitoris.

Actually, it's a bigger deal for mommy and daddy, since they can start picking names and buying shit that's going to reinforce some arbitrary society-mandated gender roles. Me, I know what I am. Well, that's not true. I have no idea what I am, and I won't really give a shit until I'm in kindergarten and other kids start calling me homophobic slurs.

And gender roles, if you think about, isn't all that artificial. See, girls and boys are wired differently. Specifically, they tend to find their self-worth in different ways - boys want to be scored, girls want to be scored. Let me explain:

• Boys = quarterbacks
  How do men measure each other? I mean, other than taking a tape measure to the dick? By comparing stats. Nobody gives a shit whether one quarterback's more talented than another, but everybody cares about the numbers - total yards, touchdowns and Super Bowl rings. Similarly, guys are compared by their paychecks, the horsepowers on their cars, the number of girls they've fucked. No one cares about the qualitative shit, it's all hard numbers. Quality be damned, it's putting one in the "W" column, or the sperm in the vagina that counts.
  


• Girls = figure skaters
  Chicks are different. Sure, she can do a triple lutz, maybe she can skate faster than everyone else, but what did the Russian judge think? What bout the French judge? While the male psyche operate on pure numbers, the dick-size mentality applying to pretty much everything in life, it's not enough for women to simply do well. They need acknowledgment that they're doing well. That's why you see an otherwise intelligent, attractive girl worrying about what some douche thinks of her. It doesn't really matter where it comes from, girls need validation.

Of course, thats all details. If I turn out to be a boy, I'll sleep with anything with a pulse that gives me the time of the day because, fuck, thats another notch on the bedpost, and if I'm a girl, I'll sleep with anyone who will come over and talk to me because, shit, someone values me!