Living la vida vagina

First off, happy Dead Jesus Day, everyone. Hope you're having fun painting Jesus Eggs and eating bunnies.

Now, being stuck in this small, albeit quite wonderfully warm and placenta-y, womb all fucking day and night, I simply don't see much excitement and it's easy to run out of material to write about, even if I'm only posting 3 times a week. So I appreciate any questions or requests that you may have.

"Betty" asks,

Can you post more posts about what dating is like in the womb?

Sure, Nurse Betty, I can talk about dating. Except there is no dating in the womb. I mean, I can always count on the umbilical cord to stick around after a night of intense cuddling, but it's not exactly Mr. Personality. And like I said, I don't get out much, so it's not like I'm meeting other fetuses and playing the field.

And that's a damn shame, because every time mommy and daddy see a baby when they're out, they're always saying how I'm going to be way cuter. I can't say I disagree - you should see my ultrasound. I'm really depriving the world of my hotness, but shit, what can I do?

The story of my life, before it's even begun

Seriously, this pretty much fucking mirrors my life. Other than the dad being way more attractive in the movie, this is EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED. In fact, there's even a gag about the dick scaring the fetus during pregger fucking (you'll have to catch the full-length R-rated trailer that keeps getting pulled from YouTube). It's like Apatow read my blog, went back in time and wrote this movie. I should be getting executive producer credit on this shit, at least. Otherwise, I'm suing the motherfucker as soon as I'm out of this bitch.

Oh, and the penis thing - it's been over a month since I wrote that post and the dynamic has changed a bit. I've grown bigger than the cock, and the sight of my dad's manhood is slightly less disturbing now that I know I'm a girl. And you gotta be packing some San Fernando Valley-caliber heat to come anywhere near my swimming lane.

Still, there's really no way of getting used to the pounding and the awful grunting sounds mommy and daddy make. I'm just fucking glad I don't have to see their O-face.

My daddy is a motherfucker

Parental sex can be pretty fucking traumatic for a fetus. And it happens pretty fucking often because mommy's all hormonal and shit and daddy thinking he needs to squeeze in all the unprotected sex he wants because mommy can't get any more pregnanter and she's gonna close up shop once I pop out.

It's a good thing I haven't developed my memory functions or full use of my hands, because otherwise, I would have strangled myself to death by now.

Seriously, imagine you're like 5 inches tall and you're buck ass naked swimming inside this little bubble, you're chilling out sucking out nutrients and all of a sudden, you see this fucking rod that's as big as you trying to ram its way into your bubble? And it goes on for 7, 8, even 9 minutes - that's a fucking eternity for someone who's barely 4 months old. Yeah, sure, the penis can't actually reach me, but how am I supposed to know that? I'm just a fucking fetus, for fuck sake.