Take gambling tips from a fetus

Tomorrow begins March Madness, or what daddy tells me is the real Black History Month, which sounds more than a little borderline racist, but hey, he's my racist daddy.

Anyway, for the next three weekends, daddy's going to ignore me and spending all his waking hours getting drunk and yelling at the tall people on television. I figured I'd bone up on this NCAA Tournament shit and see what up the fuck. And you know what? Shit's pretty fucking simple. If you want to win your office pool, here's basically what you have to know:

1. Pick an upset at #5 vs #12 or #6 vs #11
   #1 through #4 in each region are generally quality teams, but #5? They tend to be teams that got by on their reputation or did okay in a weak conference, but had some glaring bad losses, sputtered down the stretch, or did merely okay in a weak power conference. #11 and #12 are usually quality mid-major teams that got fucked because of a loss against a quality team or had some off games.
   
   My upset pick? Winthrop (11) against Notre Dame (6). Big East is fraudulent. Big South? Whatevs man, don't sleep on the mid-mayj.


2. Time zones, motherfucker
   You're talking about college kids who aren't used to traveling cross-country, playing in arenas they've never been in before. Yeah, it's not enough to cause jet lag, but the body clock is still a bitch. So it sucks to be Arizona playing what amounts to early afternoon games in New Orleans or George Washington playing late night in Sacramento.
   
   Which is why you gotta pick Gonzaga (10) over Indiana (7).
   
3. Go with the guy with the balls
   Moreso than in the regular season, you gotta pick the team with a transcendent star. This is different from picking a team with a very very very good player - see: Duke with J.J. Redick, Illinois with Deron Williams. Motherfucker's gotta be transcendent. We're talking Carmelo, Noah, and, to a lesser extent, Sean May.
   
   Yeah, there's Kevin Durant, Tyler Hansbrough and Greg Oden, but I'm thinking Wisconsin with Alando Tucker. Why? Because I'm also picking Butler to beat Florida in the Sweet Sixteen game.

So here's what my Final Four picks are going to look like:
East: North Carolina
South: Ohio State
Midwest: Wisconsin
West: UCLA

Semi-finals:
North Carolina over Ohio State
Wisconsin over UCLA

Final:
Wisconsin over North Carolina

There you have it. Go put down your $200 - you can't lose. I mean, if you do lose, what are you gonna do, come kick a pregnant lady in the belly?